4/22/2017 1 Comment The elephant in the room..This is something deeply personal that I want to share, actually, that I need to share.. I have this knot in my stomach, this hole in my heart, these feelings that I don't know how to process. I've let these feelings just sit for too long now.. It has kind of been like an injury that I've ignored, that I let get worse. I haven't tried to heal it, I haven't even wanted to acknowledge that there is an injury. I keep getting this feeling, I keep feeling like I need to write it all out, share my feelings, just FEEL my feelings. For about 3 or 4 years now INSTAGRAM, has been a passion of mine. I love to help people, I love to support people, and I love to be supported. Living with medical conditions is NOT easy, and at 15 years old I had just had my 3rd spinal fusion surgery, they put a screw in my L2 nerve, we didn't know it at the time, all we knew was I couldn't walk or move without excruciating pain.. Anyways, I was preparing to have my 4th spinal fusion, they were calling it exploratory surgery because they didn't know what was wrong or if anything was wrong. When they got in there it was a mess, and I still live with severe nerve damage to this day. So when I was 15, preparing to have my 4th spinal fusion surgery, I was lonely. I was so lonely. I had to stop going to public school because of the amount of pain I was in. My "friends" ? They stopped talking to me after my 1st spinal fusion surgery. So, I was lonely, Looking for support, and I found it. I found my biggest support within the Instagram medical community, more like Instagram family. From then on, I was posting everyday, I was writing encouraging posts for others, but I was also writing encouraging posts for myself. I was sharing scar pictures, updates from doctors appointments, I was sharing my concerns and my worries but also my victories, big and small. I shared my story and gained so much support. My 4th surgery was a cake walk, with all the supporters I had. I mean, it was painful, but I was so encouraged and loved, that I felt like I could do it. But there was one {elephant} in particular that I got really close with, in fact when I had my 4th surgery, {theirs} was only one day before mine.. I would like to talk about this {elephant} in the room. I didn't just use the term {elephant} because that is the saying, I used it because that was {their} favorite animal. Everything was elephant. Clothes, jewelry, decorations, phone cases, anything that could be elephant, was. It was so easy to send care packages and gifts to {them} because I always knew exactly what to get. And now? I see an elephant, and I want to cry. I didn't want to ever admit that, but I think the only way to heal is to put it all out there, to share everything. It is hard for me to share, to be raw, especially about this. But I think I have to. We were friends for over 2 years. We were the best of friends, I didn't think I would ever lose that friendship.. We used to call each other sisters. They knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. From family life, to school life, and especially Medical Life. We had more in common than anyone I had ever met before. We supported each other 24/7, literally, If one of us couldn't sleep (which was a lot) then we would stay up to keep each other company. We went through a lot together, mentally, emotionally, and physically. We shared every hardship and every victory with one another.. Between the 2 of us there were many, many medical procedures we went through while we were friends. They really helped me through a lot, I was so lonely, I was so scared, I just wanted a friend, and they were one. Up until the dramatics got mixed into everything. I sent them countless care packages.. I would send gifts for the holidays and birthdays, I sent flowers while they were in the hospital. I even emptied my savings and bought a plane ticket to go see them. I also saved and saved, so I could buy a plane ticket, and go out a second time, while they were hospitalized. I also saved and borrowed money from family, so I could pay for them to fly out and come see me. It was never about the money, I just loved them, loved their friendship, so I would do anything to make them happy. The first time I flew there, it was amazing, seriously amazing. I had never traveled alone so it was a new experience. But we had so much fun, so many activities, and fun pictures, so many laughs.. Most of the days we went to their school, I didn't even care that we were at college, it was just fun to be together, to be with my best friend. The second time I flew there, it was because they were very, very ill.. And getting sicker by the minute. So, I flew there and stayed in the hospital with them, slept in an uncomfortable hospital chair, and then when they were released I spent a few days at their house. I'm glad I did it, I'm glad I went there to support them. But they didn't talk to me while I was there, the whole time I thought they were mad at me, and to make matters worse one of their other "online" friends were sending me rude messages, because I got to go there and they didn't. I think that's where our friendship got rocky, was this person being mean to me and talking about me. It all started with this person, all of the problems started with this person. When they came here to see me, [that person] was upset about it. So, again they barely talked, I thought they were angry with me. My Mom, she paid for everything for us. We drove up to one of my specialist appointments, went to the zoo, and went to Zion National Park. But we barely talked, at all. Before they came to see me, we weren't talking much at all, actually, the talking drastically changed after I went to see them the 2nd time. Which is why I know it has something to do with [that person]. After they left from seeing me, we didn't talk much at all, I messaged them everyday for weeks. Telling them that I loved them, that they meant a lot to me, that our friendship meant a lot to me. And most days I didn't get a response, but if I did it was "ok" or "thanks", that was it. I did everything I could to be a good friend. I tried my hardest. I did my best. And I was left to feel like it was my fault that we weren't friends anymore. I confronted them about what was wrong? why are you not talking to me anymore? why don't you tell me things like you used to? why can't you talk to me? Why do you talk to [that person] but not me? What happened to our friendship? The conversation went a little something like this "you just have a lot going on, I don't want to burden you.. I don't talk to you because you have too much going on already." me "I've always had a lot going on, we have always had a lot going on, that's why we're friends.. You don't get to decide for me that I don't want to talk, or that I can't be a good friend because of my medical issues..." And from then on we didn't speak. They told me that they couldn't be my friend anymore because of the way I spoke.. The last time I heard from them, was my birthday, we hadn't been speaking for months at that point. And it absolutely killed me inside, when I got a happy birthday text from them. I told them I was sorry, and that I wish we could still be friends, and they said no, that it would never be the same. Honestly? I wished they wouldn't have said anything at all on my birthday. It ruined my birthday. I have been so hurt and so confused. But my thoughts on it all? They were looking for a way out, and they found one when I got upset and stood up for myself. I'll never really know why it happened, but I think a lot of it has to do with [that person] she never liked me much anyway. Since I was so public about our friendship on Instagram I've felt that I needed to get something off my chest, like I need to let my Instagram family know my version of what happened, my side of the story. I don't know what they've said about me, or if they've said anything at all. But I didn't feel right about posting on Insta without telling you all about what happened, I haven't been able to post like I've wanted since it all went down. But I'm hoping this post will bring me healing. That it will bring me peace. That it will help me open myself up on Instagram more, liked I used to. I really do have a passion for helping people and encouraging others. I have so many people on Instagram who help me every single day so I hope I can get my account back to what it once was, I hope it can be good for people again. I am sad and I am heartbroken, I have healed a little, but I still miss them everyday. I wish nobody else would have got involved, I wish that we never stopped being friends. Honestly? I wish that [that person] would have never come into my life. They were horrible to me. If they're reading this, they know exactly who they are. And I hope they know how much they hurt me, but they probably don't. They are very, very fake. I hope they figure out how to be kinder. It goes a long way, being kind. I didn't set out to hurt anyone with this post, which is why I didn't use names. So if you know who it is, please don't criticize them or me, or make a big deal about this. These are my feelings, this is my story. People talk "about the elephant in the room" so that they can clear the air, that is what I am doing.. What I needed to do. I think writing it all out has helped me tremendously. Thank You for all of your support. Thank You for being a listening ear. I appreciate you all.
1 Comment
I understand. I have been through this. I understand the confusion and the deep hurt. Run to Daddy-God's lap each time Satan tries to put his thoughts in your mind or the memory of it. Abba-Yahweh is calling you to put Him in that place. Seek Him FIRST...And ALL these things will be added to you. You are brave and kind, Because HE created you that way! Praying for you, Love!❤️💐
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AuthorMy name is Madison, I have quite a few rare diseases and chronic illnesses. Archives
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