1/27/2019 0 Comments Dear, painDear Pain,
By now we’ve gotten to know each other quite well. You make my bones ache and my muscles hurt, you make my nerves shock, you make me feel weak, and heavy.. you make me exhausted, but you make it impossible to sleep. Most days, when you’re acting out, you make it hard for me to do much of anything. Most people don’t know you as well as I do.. I’ve seen firsthand, people who meet you for the first time, and they don’t know how to handle you, and they really don’t like you.. for most, you don’t stick around long.. But for others, they think you’re going away soon.. little do they know, you never will.. Pain, I hate you, but I’m not mad at you anymore, not like I was when I first met you. When I first met you, I loathed you, I hated everything about you, I wanted you to go away, I thought I could make you leave, but little did I know, there was nothing I could do to make you go away. Maybe you'd ease up a bit, but you've never gone away completely, not since I first met you.. I was so mad at you for taking so many people, opportunities, and experiences away from me... When I met you, I was in middle school, and I was so mad at you.. I prayed and I wished and I hoped that you would just go away.. Pain, i’m not mad at you, because I know you taught me so many things. For some reason, in this life, I’m supposed to know you. I’m one of those people that likes to believe that everything happens for a reason, so for some reason, for some unknown reason... I’m supposed to know you. I don’t cry over you as much as I used to, I used to cry because of you every single night.. Most days, I’m completely frustrated and fed up with you.. Most days, I wish I didn’t know you... You’ve caused so many surgeries, scans, and ER trips, medications, and injections.. You've created a lifelong battle, I never wanted to fight.. Not only have you caused excruciating physical pain. You’ve caused many arguments, and you’ve made my mom shed so many tears. Because of you, I will never live a normal life. So, I have to learn to live with you, and it’s been the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn. I never wanted to know what it felt like to hurt, every minute of every day. I never wanted to know, what it was like to be chronically ill. I never even wanted to know what the words “chronic illness” meant.. I never wanted to know, what it was like to wake up from surgery, or to even know, what the inside of an OR looked like. Pain, you taught me so many things I didn’t want to know, but you also taught me so many things that I needed to learn. I wish I didn’t know you as well as I do, but because of you.. I know how to empathize.. Because of you, I can help others who are just getting to know you.. I believe, because of you, I feel deeper, I love more, I care more.. Because of you, I learned who my true friends are. Because of you, I learned there’s no one better than family. So, I would like to thank you for the many good lessons.. But with you around, it makes my life harder than most.. I have to work harder, push through more obstacles, and endure more, to get through every day.. If I could choose, whether I had to know you or not, I would choose to never know who you are, what you do, or how you make me feel... As much as I know that you’ll never go away completely, I’ll never stop fighting you. I don’t expect you to go away, but please, let me breathe. Love, your lifelong friend, Madison
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AuthorMy name is Madison, I have quite a few rare diseases and chronic illnesses. Archives
July 2019
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